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up the stairs, the station where the act becomes the art of growing up [entries|friends|calendar]


Name: Erin, Er-Head/Bear, Rinny, Erianna, Miss-E, etc...
Age: 18
Location: NC

"it is our hearts that define what has meaning in life. some will ask how this can be, but it was you who made me feel."


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see the months they don't matter, it's the days i can't take. [04 Jan 2006|03:53pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]

I haven't updated this thing in forever. Maybe that's a good thing.

Things haven't been going well lately. As most of you know Chris went into the Coast Guard and everytime I talk about it I find myself at a loss for words. He graduated bootcamp in Dec. and came home for the holidays. He left again on Monday and I can't remember ever being this miserable. Who knows what's going to happen. I'm sick of trying to plan everything out ahead of time. It only makes me crazy in the end. He is now stationed in Sacramento, CA....thousands of miles away.

Today I cleaned a bunch of stuff out from when he and I lived together, bills mostly. I came across alot of graduation cards a pictures which made me sad. For those of you who are still in highschool, (if anyone even still reads this) don't be in such a rush. I don't know why I and everyone else think that things get so much better after highschool, because they don't. They get much, much worse. You get introduced to real life which to be completely honest, sucks. Enjoy all of the time you have left, because after this, you have a lifetime of more school, bills, broken relationships, and work to look forward to. If I could re-do the past 4 years of my life, I most definately would, and I would change every minute of it.

I have no idea why I'm even writing this. I guess because 1.) I haven't written in here in a long time and 2.) I haven't written in here because writing all the things down that have happened makes me realize how real they are. I'd rather run away from all of these things. Stupid? Yes.

This journal has always been a therapy for me. Writing all the things that I am thinking and feeling at that exact moment always made me feel better in the past. Now it only makes me feel worse.

This was completely pointless.


there are no words to describe my feelings better [05 Dec 2005|12:21am]
[ mood | sad ]

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you


[29 Nov 2005|12:13am]
[ mood | calm ]

I just realized today that I've had this journal for almost 5 years. That is weird....and lame. Oh well.

I'm doing alot better these days than I have been. Not so sad all the time. Chris comes home in 17 days. Thank god. I've missed him so much and I can't wait to see him. Christmas is soon, and he'll be home for that which will make it complete. I bought a little christmas tree for my room today that is absolutely adorable.

I work alot now, but I'm making quite a bit of money which is good. Some days I hate my job, but for the most part I like it. I adore all of my co-workers which is usually a plus.

I don't go out alot these days but I did this past weekend and it was great thanks to a few people. It was good for me I think.

Other than that my life is so disgustingly boring.

Why did I even write this?


[08 Nov 2005|11:14pm]
why do i feel like this?

[24 Oct 2005|11:14am]
He is on his way to come say goodbye.

and I am dying inside.

"...it's always better when we're together..." [16 Oct 2005|11:53pm]
[ mood | tired ]

Take the quiz: "Which Laguna Beach Character are You?"

You're Hot and like to party!!! Ms. Popular! Why have one boy when there are plenty to go around!? Plus you don't want anyone to tie you down when you're just trying to have fun.

My obsession with Laguna Beach is starting to become very unhealthy and frightening.


[09 Oct 2005|01:24am]

[04 Oct 2005|01:12am]
I love, love, love my new layout. :)

[15 Sep 2005|12:07pm]
1. Reply with your name and I’ll respond with something random about you. 2. I’ll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you. 3. I’ll pick a flavor of pudding to wrestle with you in. 4. I’ll say something that only makes sense to you and me. 5. I’ll tell you my first memory of you. 6. I’ll tell you what animal you remind me of. 7. I’ll ask you something that I’ve always wondered about you. 8. If I do this for you, you must post this on your journal. You MUST. It is written.

[12 Sep 2005|12:44am]
I'm sitting here listening to fucking Dashboard, wondering when everything got so overwhelming. I haven't felt like myself all week, and I honestly think that being depressed is coming in the near future. I don't want to feel like this. I don't know why or how or when everything went to shit, but I know that something has got to give soon. I'm so tired of being me, I'm so tired of always being the one who cares more, I'm so tired of turning into a nutcase at the drop of a hat.
I'm just tired, exhausted actually of everything. I've been waiting the whole week for the right time just to break down and have time to myself to just sit and listen to music that I wouldn't normally listen to, light candles, smoke cigarettes, and bawl my eyes out. The right moment finally came tonight, and here I am. The most exhausting part about it is that I never quite know what is going to trigger this time or how long it will last.
For the longest time I had so much going for me, so much to look forward to, so much to be excited about, so many different reasons to wake up in the morning, so many friends, so much support.....I feel like I have none of those things anymore. Somehow everything has just slipped right through my fingers. Where are all those reasons now? Where did they all go?
At night I just lay in bed and stare at the ceiling for hours, listening to my heart pounding in my head. I've never felt it beat this fast or pound this hard before. Maybe this is what it feels like when it's breaking, because it's been hurting for a long time now. It's like I'm not even here anymore, my body is here, but I'm not. I'm off somewhere lost in my head. No matter how hard I try I can't get my head to stop being so cluttered so it can think, instead my heart thinks for me and it does an absolutely horrible job and just ends up ruining things, my hopes, everything.
When is it going to be my turn to be happy, oblivious, and not care? I want to know. I've waited patiently for a long time and I don't know how much longer I can wait. I wish I could love every moment in life and know that everything happens for a reason and just be content with those thoughts, but I can't. I just can't.
I am miserable. I don't admit that often. I don't even understand why. For so long I've put on a smile and acted like everything was going to be ok. Nothing is ok, nothing has been ok for quite sometime now. And I am absolutely clueless on what to do. I'm lost. When is it going to be my turn?

[10 Sep 2005|03:04pm]
Danielle and I had the best time last night.

minus the whole losing my i.d thing....still fun though!

[07 Sep 2005|01:04pm]
[ mood | blank ]

From Ireland : Irish
You are both a visionary and a realist able to bring your dreams into a tangible form. Pioneering and ambitious you accept new challenges and the responsibilities which go with them willingly. Your sound judgement, resourcefulness and positive nature means that your progress in life is assured. Certainly your kindness and generosity to others and your inspirational manner attract success as well as many admirers.

Strong, virtuous and honourable : Gaelic
You are responsible, determined and tenacious with sound judgement and the ability to inspire others making you ideal for positions of leadership. Having broad vision you are happy to accept the challenge of handling large projects which others may find too demanding. With your keen intuition and inventive mind you are always seeking answers. Fair and just you have a warm and compassionate nature which attracts many friends.


but don't look back in anger, don't look back in anger, i heard you say [07 Sep 2005|12:17am]
[ mood | okay ]

oh my goodness.

it's starting to feel like fall outside. and i, could not be more excited.

i don't like summer and i cannot wait to be able to wear hoodies all the time, christmas, snow, hats, scarves, the whole bit.....

ahhhhhhhhh i can't wait!!!!!


rawr. [06 Sep 2005|01:18am]
[ mood | ditzy ]

Boys are so confusing these days. When did that happen?

I wish I knew what was going on in that head, I really do, and I make myself crazy trying to figure it out. Ugh.

Mat and I have decided that he's going to tell me why boys are so complicated, and I'm going to write a book about it and make buttloads upon buttloads of money, and I will find some gorgeous boy who is also rich to be madly in love with me. That way, I will be blinded by my rich and famous lifestyle and I'll never have to think about boys again. Except for the rich gorgeous one who is in love with me of course.

It's 1:30am....delirious? I think so.

So back to reality, I've said it before people and I'll continue to say it. I'm going to be a-sexual. There's just no way around it.

I tivo'ed 3 episodes of Laguna Beach today, and layed around for an hour and a half watching them tonight. It was very exciting. I find it rather frightening how much I enjoy that show. I guess it's one of my million guilty pleasures. Kristin is my favorite, she's such a bitch, I love it! And I'm pretty sure that Stephen is the most beautiful guy in the whole world, which is strange because I usually am not attracted to "pretty" guys like that. But he is definately a hot one.

God, I think I really am delirious. I'm feeling more silly than usual. Hmmm....kind of enjoying this.

Hokay....think it's time to stop now.



maybe i'm just a girl.....interrupted. [04 Sep 2005|11:18pm]
So I just finished watching Girl, Interrupted.

This is going to sound crazy in itself, but whenever I watch that movie it brings out really strong feelings for some reason, I guess because I can really relate to it. I remember being in that situation and being so confused, a new level of confused, it was something I had never felt before. Sitting in a room for hours at a time with only my thoughts to keep me company. Sometimes it feels like that part of my life never even happened, like it was a dream, a story someone else had told me, or even a movie oddly enough.

There is a part in the movie when Suzanna is talking about what good friends she had made from her experience and I never really thought about it until tonight, but to other people that must seem so strange. "Why or how could you be friends with a "crazy" person?" I remember the girls that I was in the hospital with, and although like I said it must seem so strange to an outsider looking in, I made friends with them very quickly and still think about them everyday. These are the only people you are able to interact with for a long period of time. You base your friendships and conversations on very personal things from the start, things that you normally wouldn't tell people unless you've known them for a long time. I wish so badly that I could've kept contact with all of them. The sad part is that I was the only one going home, the rest of the girls were going to residential facilities.

What exactly is the definition of "crazy" anyway? I'd like to know. Nobody is really normal, there's no such thing. If there was such thing, there would be a model for normal, and everyone would act alike. In the movie Susanna says something along the lines of "Being crazy isn't being broke, it's being amplified." I really and truly believe that.

And if anyone is thinking "oh my god why is she talking about this", "she was in a mental hospital", etc......Yeah, I was, and I have no problem talking about it, and yeah, I'm probably just rambling, but this is a journal.

In a way, I really believe that that was a good experience for me. It forced me to do alot of reflecting and evaluating. If I hadn't gone there, I honestly don't think that I would be here today. I can remember the car ride to the hospital like it had happened an hour ago. I was so mad, and so numb at the same time. I was angry at my parents for doing that to me, I felt like they had betrayed me in so many ways. My dad didn't even come see me or call. Not once the whole time I was in there. I should've been scared. I look back now and think about just how numb I felt. There was nothing inside me, I was dead. That scares me that I could ever feel that way.

Maybe this post was pointless or ridiculous, but that hit really close to home. That's exactly what it was like and I guess I just wanted to write about it. I haven't wrote anything in here thats more than a phrase in a long time.


[30 Aug 2005|11:58pm]
Jesus fucking Christ

Why am I a shit magnet?

[28 Aug 2005|11:39pm]
Oh boy.....

It's been a long time since I've updated this thing, it's probably for the better too....but right now, I have so much going on I just couldn't help but turn to this thing that I've had for so long.

My life is falling apart at the seams, right before my eyes, and I have no clue what to do about it.

I never thought soooo many things could change in a month, but everything has.

I'm so confused, exhausted, blah about life, myself, and everything right now. I've never felt so lost in my entire life, and that's hard to believe because there have been so many different times when I've been lost.

I've been so blind and naive for the past year and while I thought that I was finally starting to make everything better, I've realized that I was only making things worse for myself.

I really don't care how this comes off, but right now it's time for me to be extremely selfish and think about everything that I need to be doing for myself. This is the time when I'm having to make some really big life changing decisions and for once I have no idea what I'm suppose to do. Why does it always happen like that? Whenever you really need to know and understand what the hell you're doing, you have no idea.


Oh well, things can't get any worse, at least I hope they can't. So hopefully they'll start getting better.

[09 Aug 2005|03:58pm]
[ mood | exhausted ]

Warped Tour was fucking amazing.

We stood in the pouring rain to watch The Transplants and The Offspring.

The singer for the Transplants spit on Danielle and I.

We were in the front row, feet away from Travis Barker.

I got punched in the lip in the mosh pit for Avenged Sevenfold, and loved it.

There are so many more things. It was the most fun I've ever had.


[07 Aug 2005|11:37pm]
[ mood | nostalgic ]

Ok, so.....I'm going to try really hard to not make this a really long, lifetime like post.

Things are so confusing. They've been confusing for awhile, but now I do believe it has passed that point and gone into a whole other level of something. Not quite sure what it is. Why does everything have to be so complicated? Maybe things aren't as complicated as they seem, maybe I'm just making them that way. That's usually how it works. I wish I didn't think the way I do, everything would be so much easier if I thought with my brain and not my heart, but I don't. That sucks. And it fucks with my mind all of the time. I'm not going to be able to sleep tonight for various reasons. Lovely.

Tomorrow is Warped Tour. I could not be more excited. Danielle and I have been trying to go for forever and it's finally here. God August has come so fast. Time really needs to stop doing that to me.

Pretty soon it will be time for school to start and at night I will be working, and there will be no more time for fun. And that, sucks. So bad. I don't want to grow up damnit, I had to grow up to fast when I was suppose to be a kid, and now that I want to act like a kid, it's time to start growing up. How fucked up is that? Grrrrrrrr. I hate this.


BORED. [04 Aug 2005|09:55pm]
[ mood | blah ]

Name four bad habits you have:
1. falling in love
2. letting my emotions take over everything
3. smoking
4. getting nervous really easily

Name four things you wish you had:
1. a different car
2. a stronger heart
3. alcohol of any sort
4. money

Name four scents you love:
1. axe
2. vanilla lace
3. curious
4. amber romance

Name four things you are thinking about right now:
1. whether or not i should call someone
2. college
3. why in the hell am i sitting around when i don't have to work?
4. why my head works the way it does

Name four things that you have done today:
1. went to the mall
2. watched t.v.
3. cleaned the apartment
4. smoked

Name the last four things you have bought:
1. gas
2. a chicken caesar wrap from work
3. cigarettes
4. beer

Name four drinks you regularly drink:
1. water
2. milk
3. starbucks double shot espresso
4. beer

First grade teacher's name?
Mrs. Rowe

Song stuck in your head?
Bittersweet Symphony: The Verve

Last song you sang?
Bittersweet Symphony: The Verve

Last person you hugged?

Last thing you laughed at?
Poppa singing at dinner

What's in your cd player?
Poison The Well

What color socks are you wearing?
I'm not wearing socks

What's under your bed?
My cat probably

What time did you wake up today?

Current taste?

Current clothes?
T-shirt and shorts

Last CD you bought?
I don't even know...

Favorite place to be?
Out with my friends

Least favorite place to be?
Stuck in traffic

If you could play an instrument?
I'd play what I know now, guitar

Favorite color?

Do you believe in an afterlife?
I have no clue.

How tall are you?
Current favorite word/saying?
Fuckass....same as always.

Identify some of the things surrounding your computer:
Cigarettes, nail clippers, make up, mirror, picture, speakers, mouse.

Random lyric:
If I am not fun, and I am not interesting, perhaps I am not interested in you.


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